The crank gets serious: alcoholism
I know many of my readers have dealt with some of the very same crap as I have in my life: depression and alcoholism. I'm not a happy person, I'm really not, I live in a city I don't belong in, I don't fit in here and I don't know how many times a day I think I should just jump off the 1st Street Bridge and get it over with already. I don't know why I'm still here, aside from having a job for the first time in years, I don't have anything truly keeping me tied to Brandon, MB.. aside from not having the money to afford to move elsewhere in the first place. I don't have a girlfriend or really any friends keeping me here in the first place.. hell.. everyone asks me why I'm still here.. but I don't know why, possibly it has to do with being so insanely scared of failure again. I've failed so many times in my life already but I always end up picking myself up and starting all over again. I'm scared of not being employed and living in a city where I can't seem to make friends, like Brandon.. and I've been here a decade.
One thing that's really affected my life in the past 5 or so years is alcoholism. Let's face it, I'm an alcoholic, I'm not a cheap alcoholic - I like to spend money on good beer, and lots of it. Sure, I hoard a lot of it to the point it shouldn't be drank anymore, but I don't remember the last time I haven't had a drink. I guess I drink to numb the pain, numb the loneliness and just forget that I'm in a crappy time in my life as it is.
A year ago, I knew I faced alcoholism but thought it was in my past. Hell, I lost 40lbs and just got a new job, so I thought the future was bright for me. I had a job, but I turned more into a hermit because fuck it.. this is the cliquesville, I don't belong. So me turning into a hermit me drink more and more. Hell, just last night I bought a 12 pack of Sleeman with my GST and by the end of the night, it was all gone, and I was craving more. Well, I think to myself, it can't be that bad - it's not like I'm drinking a 12 pack of Lucky Lager or Molson Dry like I used to, well.. it is bad. Even if I drink 2-750mL bottles of Unibroue, that's still mainly because I want it to numb the pain.
I'm in pain, well my liver isn't in pain, it's more like the pain of frustration and depression, I constantly feel like there's someone sitting on me, holding me down and no matter what the hell I do, it just doesn't get better.. unless if I drink. I take meds, cut down my beer consumption, lost weight but none of that helped, zilch. Hell, I'd randomly break down and cry in my room. I'm a loser, I get it, but I thought by now I'd be happy.. nope. I constantly worry about what others think about me, why should I? I should only care WHAT I think about me, I'm my biggest bully. I just want to succeed in life, but seeing how much I worry about money and what girls think about me.. I don't think it will happen anytime soon.
So for now, I'll most likely continue to keep drinking down beer after beer, empties everywhere and I'm not in the mood to clean up, just hoping that things will get better. Things get better, right? Right? Well, it did only take 3 years to finally get a job.. so I guess..
PS - One of the only things that does keep me going is this blog. I've had brewmasters from some of Canada's greatest breweries email me telling me how they enjoyed my blog, and then people from as far away as Australia sending me great feedback too, so thank you for all that, you guys rock!